INTRODUCING THE PERFECT SIT-COM
BAYFOX!
See, here’s the thing. We all like telly. We all like babes. We all want to make pots of money. So how about us all putting our babeluving heads together and writing the perfect sit-com? How hard can it be? I’ll kick things off…
The scene is an apartment overlooking Venice Beach, California. Three gorgeous actresses played by Scarlett Johansson, Jessica Alba and Pamela Anderson share the apartment while they wait to discover which one of them has got the lead role in Bayfox, a new TV show about a lifeguard with super powers.
| JESSICA: You’re obviously going to get the part, Pammy – you’ve played these roles before. PAMELA: Not me babe, I’ve got no super powers. JESSICA: No super powers? What are you talking about? The breasts Pammy, the breasts… PAMELA: What about them? JESSICA: I’ve seen you. Take your bra off, set them free and you start to fly. SCARLETT: Yeah, who needs rescue helicopters when you’ve got bazookas like that? Someone’s drowning and all you have to do is whip your boobies out and hey presto, you’re up in the air plucking them out of the sea. PAMELA: Oh, you guys! Anyway, Jessica, we all know you’ll get the part. JESSICA: But I have no special powers! SCARLETT: Yes, you do, you can raise the dead. I’ve seen you! That guy you went to see in the hospital the other day had been in a coma for six months – all you had to do was give him a kiss and he was standing to attention trying to drag you into a broom cupboard. PAMELA: It wasn’t one of my ex-husbands was it? JESSICA: But you have super powers too, Scarlett. SCARLETT: I do? PAMELA: Yes of course you do – you can actually ACT. (There’s a knock on the door – Scarlett answers it) SCARLETT: It’s the casting director played by Petra Nemcova! Come in Petra. PETRA: Hello ladies. I am thinkink you are wonderink what it is why I am comink here to see you ladies today. PAMELA: What the hell is she on about? JESSICA: Sshhhhhh Pammy. Go on Petra… PETRA: Ja, I am comink here to tellink you who vill play ze role of Bayfox in ze new showink on ze televink. SCARLETT: Who is it Petra? Which one of us gorgeous babes have you chosen? PETRA: Ja, I am tellink you ze babe who vill play ze role of Bayfox is…. (Long pause and some suitably dramatic music – not James Blunt obviously) PETRA: Eet ees….ze name of ze babe ees…. (There is the sound of a gunshot and Petra falls down dead) SCARLETT: Quick Jessica, use your special powers. Give Petra the kiss of life and raise her from the dead. JESSICA: Sorry, it only works with guys. PAMELA: Hang on, who’s this? (A voluptuous babe in a bikini enters) JORDAN: ‘Ello girls. Unfortunately Petra seems to have suffered a terrible accident so I am now the new casting director of Bayfox. Me and my assistant, the lovely Peter, have decided none of you is good enough so we’ve chosen a big-breasted Brit babe. (Enter Keeley Hazell) JORDAN: The role goes to Keeley. KEELEY: Hiya babes. Sorry about that – no hard feelings, ok? SCARLETT: But why? What special powers does she have? KEELEY: It’s a secret. PAMELA: Let’s get her! (Pamela, Jessica and Scarlett grab Keeley and grab her round the throat.) KEELEY: Pie and mash! Pie and mash! JESSICA: What? KEELEY: That’s the magic words I use to conjure up my special powers. (Scarlett, Jessica and Pamela are suddenly launched across the room by an invisible force and pinned against the wall and their clothes disintegrate). JORDAN: Attagirl, Keels! I love that special power. (End of scene) |    |
Who killed Petra Nemcova? Who will Keeley Hazell use her special powers on next? How will Scarlett Johansson, Jessica Alba and Pamela Anderson get their revenge on Jordan? Don’t miss the next pulsating episode of Bayfox!!
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