Nicole Scherzinger. In Cyprus. It’s the dream team! I mean, Nicole Prescovia Elikolani Valiente Scherzinger comes from Honolulu so she knows a thing or two about islands. Her dad’s Filipino and her mother’s half-Russian so I’m not sure which is more exotic – the sumptuous Nicole or the sumptuous Cypriot beaches. After a weekend soaking up the sand and sea maybe we can explore a few more S’s in the privacy of a hotel suite. SINGING, you filthy minded wretches, SINGING. She’s got a solo album coming out, remember? “I don’t need a man,” she sang on an old Pussycat Dolls album but I don’t believe a word of it. We’ll see if she changes her tune when while rolling around in a slinky bikini enjoying the splendour of this wondrous island in the Mediterranean. Never mind the Pussycats, I’ll make her purr…

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Here’s another combination made in heaven. The delicious Adriana Lima, of course, would look breathtaking in any surroundings and was born in the Brazilian coastal town of Salvador, so she’s perfectly at home on the beach. But as one of the world’s sexiest super-models the poor angel works far too hard, so my plan is to take her out of her normal environment to a Caribbean island she may not have visited before. I’m talking of the island of Anguilla in the Leewards. It’s very small (16 miles x 3 miles) but perfectly formed – just like Adriana – with loads of deserted coral beaches and smaller islands just begging us to explore. There’s not a lot to do there so we will have to make our own entertainment. I can think of something – and I’m sure Adriana can too. She might even want to try out the latest ranges of lingerie she’ll be strutting up and down the catwalks in the name of Victoria’s Secret. Adriana in Anguilla. It’s an arousing thought…

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It’s strange, but whenever I bump into a hot new babe I’d get overcome by this overwhelming desire to whisk her away to Barbados. Yup, Barbados, island of dreams, where the weather is blissful, the beaches stunning and the people are wondrous. I just want to get one of those buggy things, grab a rum punch and show off my latest beauty to the locals. Right now the babe I’ve got my eye on taking to this fantastic part of the Caribbean is the hottest new babe on the block, Seren Gibson. I mean, how great will she look in a white bikini on those hot golden sands? Very great indeed, I’d say. The Welsh wonder has magnificent breasts and knows exactly how to use them. “My breasts aren’t my life but they are making my life more interesting,” says the 18-year-old. In Barbados, I think they might just agree with that. So pack your most revealing bikinis Seren, don’t forget your sun screen and bring your passport because – just like the song says – oh, we’re going to Barbados!

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You wouldn’t think you’d need to teach a hot Californian babe too much about the joys of the ocean so I’ve had to rack my brains long and hard to think of an island that will knock Kim Kardashian’ socks (or anything else she’s wearing) off. Anyone who’s mates with Paris Hilton has probably seen it all but Kimmy deserves to escape from it all after all those stories of internet sex tapes with her ex Ray-J and that E! cable TV series Keeping Up With The Kardshashians. I’ve decided to take Kimmy to Mauritius, out there in the south west Indian ocean off the coast of Africa. That should be far enough away from prying eyes to give me the chance to get to know the real Kimmy and give her a chance to relax properly and tell me about her Armenian background. Mauritius is one of the Mascarene islands so expect us at night times to be out clubbing doing the mascarene. Oh no, that’s the maccarena. Which is something completely different. Still, who cares when you’re on a hot, beautiful remote island with a babe as sizzlingly lovely as Kim Kardashian?

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If I can prise her away from judging duties with Simon Cowell, Sharon Osbourne and Louis Walsh on X-Factor, then I’ve got something special planned for the delicious Dannii Minogue. What do we know about Dannii Minogue? She’s gorgeous, obviously. She’s Australian, obviously. She’s got an equally lovely and even more famous sister, obviously. She’s a bit of a saucepot, obviously. She’s been all over the world, obviously. But has she ever been to…ZANZIBAR? I don’t think so, babeluvers. This is my secret weapon to lure the dishy Dannii into my lair – I’ll take her to Zanzibar! One small question first, though – where the hell is Zanzibar? It’s in the Indian Ocean off the coast of East Africa and is by all accounts absolutely divine. I’ll tell you one thing, babeluvers, it’ll get even more divine once I get the delicious Dannii out there in a bikini. Zanzibar is known for its spices…and it could be about to get a whole lot spicier.

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Katherine Heigl is the sort of babe you want to savour. She has class and style and she’s been a model since she was a child when she was a…well…a child model. So this 28-year-old wonderbabe from Washington DC knows how to throw a few shapes and stop the waves when she approaches the sea wearing one of those revealing bikinis. She’s also a fab actress these days, of course, and has been working far too hard lately on two new movies, rom com 27 Dresses, and The Ugly Truth. So. I’ve decided to take her away from all that and show her the sights of the marvellous island of Malta. Malta, out there in the Mediterranean, where the weather’s lovely, there’s never a cloud in the sky and the babes are all beautiful. Well, they will be when I get Katherine Heigl romping around the place in a skimpy bikini. We have soooo much to talk about…but I’ll probably spend most of my time lying beside the pool gazing at her beautiful body.

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